Ruined Life

Alice Miller ruined my life. A lot of people who taught me to grieve looked like ruining my life at first.

I am grateful to them.

Exception was Melanie Klein she was talking about my pain so meaningfully as if I didn't lose anything at all.

When I read her about mania being a form of grieving, It was like my own way grieving was taken away form me.


Salome on narcissism was great too. Some people may actually have exceptional talent and being confident may look like narcissism from the outside. How was I supposed to know people were not like me?

I know I will not be successful like before at least I know my capacity now.

And I am not ashamed of my intelligence anymore. I don't have to hide it. Hiding it is already impossible. I tried it before. It doesn't work.

Sad part about being intelligent is people only know you that way. And intelligence is imagined as being like a computer.

And people may forget that you have feelings too. I am not a robot.

People envy you too. It is inevitable. Some people act smart with tactics and when you are percieved as smart people project that hypocracy to you.I don't need tricks to look smart.I just like learning if I stop learning it is as if my mind has excess energy to attack me instead.

Some people who act smart also feel threatened around me because their mask may drop. I can say what I think I know and what I don't know. Most people don't have this ability. They need to look like they know even if they don't know. I don't understand how they live like that.

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